Words of Wisdom 74: Emotional Mastery

It takes 3-5 seconds for the chemicals that produce emotions to flood your system. So the age-old aphorism about counting to ten before you respond has an equal amount of science and common sense behind it.







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With Friends Like These...

"Emotion can be the enemy. If you give in to your emotion, you lose yourself. You must be at one with your emotions because the body always follows the mind." -Bruce Lee

Emotions are the guardians of your well-being. They are your friends and their primary objective is to ensure survival. They are arguably the most powerful force governing our behavior.

There is an old adage, however, that rings true when it comes to emotions. “With friends like these, who needs enemies?”

It is a scientific fact that if left untamed, our basic emotions (anger, joy, disgust, surprise, distress, and fear) would cause you to kill first and ask questions later. Or run first and ask questions later.

On an equally detrimental, but sometimes lighter note, emotions will have you shouting, crying, or jumping to conclusions first and asking questions later. Believe it or not all of this is done in the name of survival.

In the heat of the moment your body initially responds to a psychological attack (i.e. insults) in the same manner it would a physical threat. Think about that.

If emotions are supposed to be our friends, then why do they frequently leave us in a barrel of trouble? The answer is simple.

We are designed for survival, not diplomacy.

The emotional brain, also known as the limbic system, was rolling along for millions and millions of years doing what it does best: keeping us out of harms way. Then along comes the neocortex, the logical brain, to complicate things.

Now a person knows that if he or she can’t do physical harm, an insulting remark will often do the trick. Although it’s not a physical attack, your emotional brain still recognizes the bad intentions and responds accordingly.

If you aren’t careful, all of a sudden your friends could become your enemies. It takes 3-5 seconds for the chemicals that produce emotions to flood your system producing what is often referred to as an emotional hijacking.

In a life and death situation that calls for immediate action and there is little time for thinking, an emotional hijacking might save your life.

But at the office an emotional hijacking might cost you your job. In a negotiation it might cost you the deal. In an argument it might cost you a relationship.

Therefore the age-old advice about counting to ten before you respond has an equal amount of science and common sense behind it. It gives you a chance to use your logical brain.

So when you feel a tidal wave of emotions flooding your system, hit the pause button and access your neocortex. Joshua Freeman, a leading expert on developing Emotional Intelligence, calls it the “six second pause.”

I’ve found that, for me it’s even better to take the four extra seconds and go for the full ten count just to be sure. Because it can be so costly, impulsive behavior is nothing to play with.

When I was growing up my mom used to always say to me, “Al, don’t let your friends get you in trouble.”

Mom, you never told me that you were talking about my emotions.



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Delayed Gratification: The Lost Art

Q: Mr. Duncan, in your article In Plastic We Trust: 4 Keys for Smart Credit Card Use Pt. 2 you wrote about delayed gratification. Can you
offer more insight on the topic? I think delayed gratification is overrated. After all, you only live once.

A: Delayed gratification is a form of self-discipline that is necessary for emotional mastery. It is a battle of id against ego.

People often think it means “no fun”. That’s not true. It means sacrifice now to experience even more enjoyment and rewards later.

You can still have some fun. You can still have a few nice things, but not too much too soon.

One of my mentors once told me that as far as he is concerned, delayed gratification and impulsive behavior are arguably the causes of the majority of personal problems people encounter.

After many personal experiences and doing tons of research over the years I couldn’t agree with him more. There was a time when nine out of ten mistakes I made could be traced to delayed gratification and a lack of impulse control.

With crime, overwhelming debt, obesity, and sexually transmitted diseases running rampant these days, it seems as if the art of delayed gratification is being practiced at an all-time low.

This is most unfortunate because delayed gratification is one of the keys to your well-being. It is the forerunner of achievement and fulfillment.

The Marshmallow Test

Imagine that a group of 4 year olds are in a room. An adult walks in and presents them with an interesting proposition. Each of them can have one marshmallow to eat right away. But if they wait for the adult to return in 20 minutes, they can have an additional marshmallow.

What a dilemma -- especially for a 4 year old. If you were one of those kids, what option would you have taken? According to psychologist Walter Michel, the option you chose would have offered valuable insight regarding the level of your future success.

In the 1960’s at a pre-school on Stanford University’s campus, Michel and a group of researchers conducted what has become known as The Marshmallow Test on a group of 4 year olds.

As you can imagine, some of the pre-schoolers immediately gobbled up the marshmallow. But others found some interesting ways to delay gratification while waiting for their second marshmallow. Some started singing and talking to themselves, others played games, and one even took a nap!

They had some fun but not too much too soon.

The most amazing thing took place much later when Michel tracked down the group during their adolescent years. The students who held out for the second marshmallow had developed superior emotional and social competencies.

When dealing with stress and adversity they were less likely to fall apart. Instead they showed self-confidence, diligence, and self-reliance. For the most part the marshmallow gobblers displayed the opposite characteristics.

When tested again in high school the two groups exhibited even greater differences. The students who practiced delayed gratification even had higher SAT scores.

Million-Dollar Question: Are YOU going to wait for a second marshmallow?

The phrase “you only live once” is nothing but the truth, family. That’s exactly why you need delayed gratification.

Having nice things; that’s cool. Being eternally overwhelmed by debt; that ain’t cool.

Having fun and being spontaneous; that’s cool. Paying the price for idiotic, impulsive behavior; that ain’t cool.

It requires great effort to practice the art of delayed gratification and impulse control. But if you think it’s hard living with them, try living without them.



For steps on mastering delayed gratification read: In Plastic We Trust: 4 Keys for Smart Credit Card Use Pt. 2

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In Plastic We Trust: 4 Keys for Smart Credit Card Use Pt. 2

(continued from part 1)

2. Delayed Gratification and Impulse Control

Practice delayed gratification and impulse control to develop your money smarts.

We live in a “broadband” society. Everything is about high speed. Everything is about “now”. (Except for hard work- people always want to delay that, right?)

As a result of this mindset- in all facets of life, not just finances- delayed gratification and impulse control have become seldom seen phenomena. And that is a shame because many a debacle in life is caused by impulsive behavior.

How many times have you made a spur-of-the-moment decision and regretted it later? How many times have you gone to the store to get one thing, but ended up coming back with three or four things? Maybe you even came back with something totally different.

For most people, the first thing they do when they get more money is spend more money; the more credit they have available the more they charge.

People with money smarts have a different philosophy. The more money they get the more they save and invest. And the more available (unused) credit they have the more they are prepared to deal with emergencies.

DELAYED GRATIFICATION

Delayed gratification is the marriage of discipline and patience. It is the ability to distinguish between temporary fun and permanent consequences. Know that you will avoid a lot of problems and frustrations in all areas of your life by mastering delayed gratification.

To master delayed gratification you must:

*Understand that it’s simple, but far from easy to master this skill.
*Identify your most important goals and values.
*Constantly ask yourself: “How might this action or decision impact my goals and *values? Am I okay with that now and in the long run?”
*Practice delayed gratification often, even on minor things, until it becomes second nature.

IMPULSE CONTROL

Impulse control is the triumph of logic and reasoning over impulsive behavior. It is the ability to think clearly in the moment instead of acting blindly. Like delayed gratification, mastering impulse control is simple, but challenging because it requires you to:

*Pause in the heat of the moment and think of the ramifications of your actions and decisions so that you can make a wise choice.

You want to control your impulses before and after you get a credit card. Have you ever been in a store and they offered you a chance to receive a discount on your purchase by applying for a store card?

It happens all the time and people don’t even bother to read the fine print. It’s love at first sight. They fall in love with the plastic. They just impulsively sign up and then impulsively start purchasing things. Not good.

Did you know…

…that all new credit cards will have the words “In Plastic We Trust” stamped on them?

I’m just kidding. New credit cards may not have those words stamped on them, but those words are stamped on the minds of many credit card users.

At a business networking event one night, a college-age entrepreneur tried his best to convince me that his available credit was a part of his net worth.

Absurd.

Since when did credit become synonymous with cashflow? And when did debt become synonymous with asset?

To become more finacially literate and avoid any confusion about the terms, conditions, and usage of your card you want to do some…


(continued in part 3)



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5 Qualities of Good Women That Can Make a Man Better Pt. 1

(In honor of Women's History Month)

“The true worth of a race must be measured by the character of it’s womanhood.”
–Mary Mcleod Bethune

Recently I spoke at an all women’s college- probably the one that just popped into your mind. About 900 students showed up. They loved me. I loved them. It was a great gig.

Shortly thereafter, I delivered the same program at an all men’s college. Once again, it was a great gig. I loved them and they loved me. This time, however, less than a dozen students showed up! Can you say ugly?

Was it the marketing? Nope. Marketing was the same on both campuses.

Maybe the women wanted to see who this incredibly charming, handsome, and intelligent guy was. Yeah…I wish! (Don’t tell my wife I said that, okay?)

Actually, the women were just more on top of their game. That is a statement that I hear far too often. Nevertheless, many times it’s true.

GOOD women possess certain qualities that can make a man better. And yes, it is equally true that good men possess characteristics that can make a woman better. March, however, is Women’s History month. So, sit back and learn fellas. Watch the ladies shine.

1. Responsibility

Do you I really need to justify this word being on the list?

Sometimes it seems as if the world, especially my world, would have fallen apart many times had it not been for a good woman stepping up and either taking responsibility or helping me to see the importance of responsibility.

Shout out to my mom, Pamela Duncan.

How many times have you been beaten over the head with the word responsibility? Well, I won’t beat you with it. Just keep reading and learn how to beat your challenges with it.

People always say things to me like-

“Okay, Mr. Inspiration. I know I need more discipline, but where do I get it? I know I need to be more responsible. So, how do I develop responsibility?”

Although it may seem as if good women have a ‘responsibility gene’ that many men are missing, this is not the case. What you choose to take responsibility for is related to:

~Your propensity for delayed gratification
~Your beliefs and desires
~The level of your maturity

This is the age of instant gratification. Can you say- microwave? How about- instant messaging? And wouldn’t you love to retire before the age of 40?

Delayed gratification, also known as impulse control, is on the endangered species list. Possessing this master ability implies that you can manage your emotions and remain focused on what has lasting importance. This is where good women excel. The average Joe or Jane is constantly being distracted by something that has fleeting importance.

Being able to distinguish between fleeting and lasting importance is paramount to your success because…

The actions you take are based on what is most important to you at the moment of decision. Stop and think about that.

So, how do you inoculate yourself against the instant gratification virus? It’s much easier said than done, but it begins with correctly identifying as well as understanding your hierarchy of beliefs and desires. I'll show you how in part 2.