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Words of Wisdom 97: Conflict Resolution

When it comes to conflict and disagreement, what’s more important to you: Proving that you are right and justified or resolving the conflict?

“The relentless pursuit of self-justification makes conflict resolution extremely elusive.”
-Al “The Inspiration” Duncan

Related Articles:
Conflict Resolution in the Workplace
Dealing with Intimidating Professors
Dealing with a Risky Roomie

Words of Wisdom 27: Flexibility

• Learn to be more flexible and adaptable under stress and pressure. The more you can be flexible and adapt to the situation the more power you will have in the situation. According to the Harvard Business School adaptability rates as one valuable skills a leader can have.
  

"The crocodile lives in the water
and yet he breathes air."

Denkyem – the 'crocodile' represents adaptability

Related Articles:

Job Outlook for 2008 Graduates

On-Campus Interviewing: Strategies For Success

Perfecting Your Leadership Qualities

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Words of Wisdom 28: Networking

• One of the most powerful questions you can ask a person when networking is- What would make a person/company an ideal client/customer for you?

Related Articles:

10 Powerful Networking Questions

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Networking Really Works

Women Find Nontraditional Ways to Network for Advancement

Soft Skills - Why all the fuss?

Q: "Al, what are soft skills and why all the fuss about them?"

A: Soft skills are intrapersonal and interpersonal skills that determine a person's ability to excel or at least fit in a particular social structure, such as a project team, a company or even a jazz quartet. These skills include competencies in areas such as Emotional Intelligence, communication, leadership ability, etiquette, conflict resolution, decision making, self-motivation, self-discipline, persuasion, etc.

The reason for all the fuss is simple. Experts ranging from psychologists to business and spiritual leaders, such as Donald Trump and the Dalai Lama, agree that one or more of the soft skills have the greatest impact on your level of success.

Of course you still need to be able to demonstrate a certain level of expertise in your field, but this is the Information Age. A lot people have- or have access to- hard skills knowledge.

Do a lot of people have that certain je ne sais quoi that inspires and motivates the people around them? Do a lot of people have the ability to communicate clearly and effectively? Are a lot of people good at managing their emotions? Try answering that in rush hour traffic or after standing in the customer service line at Wal-Mart for 45 minutes!

Companies use all kinds of assessment tests like MBTI (Myers-Briggs Type Indicator) and MSCEIT (Mayer, Salovey, Caruso Emotional Intelligence Test) so that they can get an idea of what your personality is and what soft skills you possess.

A good friend of mine recently applied for a job as a consultant with the Gallup Organization. When she completed the online application and submitted her resume she was prompted to take an assessment test. Based on her assessment test (not her resume) she was turned down for the position via an automated response! The response said that Gallup would keep her results on file and if any positions opened up that fit her profile she would be notified.

Another thing that makes soft skills so "sexy" is that they present a chance to level the playing field. It has been said that your IQ (Intelligence Quotient) is fixed from birth. But your EQ (Emotional Intelligence Quotient), your IPQ (Influence and Persuasion Quotient), your MQ (Motivation Quotient), and any other type of "Q" that you want to invent can be improved.

The most interesting thing about soft skills is this. Although it might be the latest term on the street, it's nothing new. A great book on soft skills, How To Win Friends and Influence People by Dale Carnegie, was published in 1936.

The Book of Proverbs 29:20 states "Do you see a man who is hasty in his words? There is more hope for a fool than for him." It was written and then compiled sometime between the tenth and sixth centuries B.C. It's loaded with soft skills tips.

And the Ancient Egyptians wrote "Be skilled in speech so that you will succeed. The tongue of a man is his sword and effective speech is stronger than all fighting".

So as you can see all the fuss over soft skills is nothing new.


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How Sharp Are Your "Soft" Skills? - People Skills in Real Demand

How To Get A Job By Graduation

Ernst & Young Profile

Words of Wisdom 9: Communication

"Be skilled in speech so that you will succeed. The tongue of a man is his sword and effective speech is stronger than all fighting." -Kheti

According to the National Association of Colleges and Employers the number one skill across the board that employers are looking for is the ability to communicate effectively.


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Public Speaking Tips

On-Campus Interviewing: Strategies For Success

A Strategy for Successful On-Campus Interviewing

What Recruiters Look for in On-Campus Interviews

Top Ten Quotes: Frederick Douglass

Today--right in the middle of Black History month where it belongs--is the unofficial, but widely accepted, birthday one of my most influential role models: Frederick Douglass. I’ve read all three of his autobiographies, several biographies, and his complete speeches and writings.

With all of that Freddy D (hey…don’t be offended…that’s how we do it in the Hip-Hop generation) floating around in my head, it’s easy to understand why I’m always quoting him.

Do you quote Frederick Douglass? What’s your favorite Frederick Douglass quote? Here are my top ten.

10. No man can put a chain about the ankle of his fellowman without at last finding the other end fastened about his own neck.

9. He was whipped oftener who was whipped easiest.

8. Man’s greatness consists in his ability to do and the proper application of his power to things needed to be done.

7. Men may not get all they pay [work] for in this world, but they must certainly pay [work] for all they get.

6. I prayed for twenty years but received no answer until I prayed with my legs.

5. Power concedes nothing without a demand. It never has and it never will.

4. If there is no struggle, there is no progress. Those who profess to favor freedom, and deprecate agitation, are men who want crops without plowing up the ground, they want rain without thunder and lightning.

3. It’s easier to build strong children than to repair broken men.

2. I didn't know I was a slave until I found out I couldn't do the things I wanted.

1. One and God make a majority.

Honorable mention:

A little learning, indeed, may be a dangerous thing, but the want of learning is a calamity to any people.

I prefer to be true to myself, even at the hazard of incurring the ridicule of others, rather than to be false, and to incur my own abhorrence.

We have to do with the past only as we can make it useful to the present and the future.

A man who would not labor to gain his rights, is a man who would not, if he had them, prize and defend them.

Only as we rise do we encounter opposition.

What are your favorite Frederick Douglass quotes? Please let me know in the comments.

Related Articles:

Black Studies: Profiles of Great African Americans You Should Know

Super Hero - Frederick Douglass

African-American History 101: African Background Questions

Top Ten Quotes: Martin Luther King Jr.

I've spoken at quite a few MLK celebrations this week and I’ve also seen several tributes on TV. So, I’ve heard plenty of people quoting (and misquoting) Dr. King. In fact I would argue that he’s one of the most quoted people in history.

Do you quote Dr. King? What’s your favorite Dr. King quote? Here are my top ten.

10. Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere.

9. Peace is not merely a distant goal that we seek, but a means by which we arrive at that goal.

8. Take the first step in faith. You don't have to see the whole staircase, just take the first step.

7. Human salvation lies in the hands of the creatively maladjusted.

6. “Whatever your life's work is, do it well. A man should do his job so well that the living, the dead, and the unborn could do it no better.”

5. If a man hasn't discovered something that he will die for, he isn't fit to live.

4. Rarely do we find men who willingly engage in hard, solid thinking. There is an almost universal quest for easy answers and half-baked solutions. Nothing pains some people more than having to think.

3. The ultimate measure of a man is not where he stands in moments of comfort and convenience, but where he stands at times of challenge and controversy.

2. In the End, we will remember not the words of our enemies, but the silence of our friends.

1. Nothing in the world is more dangerous than sincere ignorance and conscientious stupidity.

Honorable Mention:

I have a dream that my four little children will one day live in a nation where they will not be judged by the color of their skin but by the content of their character.

The quality, not the longevity, of one's life is what is important.

The time is always right to do what is right.

What are your favorite Dr. King quotes? Please let me know in the comments.

Related Articles:

On Going Tributes to Martin Luther King, Jr.

Matin Luther King, Jr.'s Message -- Move Beyond Racism

Public Speaking Tips Pt. 2

continued from part 1

Be Brief

Recently, I was the keynote speaker at a welcome back dinner for the African-American Cultural Center at the University of Connecticut.

I was supposed to deliver a 90 minute talk but the students were so engaged and had me so fired up that before we realized it, an hour and 45 minutes had gone by!

You might be thinking, “Al, an hour and 45 minutes is not brief. That’s a long time.”

Actually, it depends on the context. That’s the interesting thing about time; two hours can seem like ten minutes or ten minutes can seem like two hours.

Have you ever been stuck listening to a lack-luster speaker? Have you ever been trapped in a mind-numbing lecture or boring conversation? Ten minutes of this torture is excruciatingly painful, right?

The point is: brevity is a matter of perception.

As far as the students were concerned, I was brief because they were enjoying themselves and time flew by. No one realized how long it had been until it was over.

If you’re good, there comes a time when the audience has had enough but they still want more. That’s when a master elocutionist takes a seat. You’ve given them enough to respect and remember you; you’ve been considerate enough for them to appreciate and admire you.

If you’re not sure whether or not time is flying by, then it’s probably better to finish early.

Keep in mind that it’s best to apply the Be Brief Philosophy in moderation. If you’re supposed to speak for 30 minutes and you sit down after 5 minutes, that’s not brevity, that’s robbery. (Unless you were boring, then that’s called mercy.)

Closing the show in a magnificent manner is an invaluable skill for any speaker. You have to know when to…

Be Done

I have seen many speakers have the audience wrapped around their little finger only to let things unravel minutes later because they didn’t know how or when to finish.

The close is the most important part of any type of speech. It has to be clear, concise and memorable. It could be a powerful quote or profound thought; a poignant story or a persuasive call to action.

The only thing that should follow your close is silence (from a jury) or applause (from an audience).

There are peak moments in every speech and you should close on one of them. Have you ever been in a conversation and suddenly realized that it was time for it to end but you weren’t sure how to get out of it?

Once I was delivering a keynote address to 4000 people. After about an hour, I told a thought-provoking, touching story about my father and forgiveness. It would’ve have been a great place close but I just kept yapping away. Eventually I lost them. Although, I was able to rally and end on a good note, I could have ended on a great note.

“Begin with the end in mind.”

Stephen Covey, author of The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People

After I finish brainstorming ideas for a seminar or keynote, the first thing I do is come up with my close—a story, quote, thought-provoking question, or call to action.

I make an outline, but I don’t write out word for word what I’m going to say. (It’s perfectly fine to write out your speech. It’s just not my style.) So, when I’m up in front of the room 95% of what’s delivered is extemporaneous.

My opening and closing, however, are well-thought out and rehearsed. If there’s a Q&A session, I conduct it before my close because when my close comes out of my mouth, I’m done. Period.

As I stated earlier, covering this topic could take an entire semester, but adhering to the three B’s will greatly enhance your public speaking skills.

Be good, be brief, and be done!

Recommended Reading:
How to Develop Self-Confidence and Influence People By Public Speaking
Dale Carnegie

Related Articles:
Public Speaking Tips Pt. 1
How to Become a Motivational Speaker
Making the Transition from College to Today’s World of Work

Public Speaking Tips Pt. 1

Q: As a motivational speaker and thought leader, do you have any suggestions or experience that you want to share? I understand that practice makes perfect. Do you have specific tips for improving public speaking?

It could take an entire semester to answer this question. Are you talking about a motivational talk, an attorney’s closing argument, or a political or oratorical type of speech? There are different nuances and tricks of the trade for each. Here’s my advice, however, regardless of the type of speech:

Be good, be brief, and be done!

Be Good

The true sign of a Master is the ability to make everyone in the audience feel like you were talking directly to them.

This is based on relevancy, subject mastery, and eye contact.

RELEVANCY

Initially your audience may not believe or understand that what you have to say is relevant to them. You have to show them the relevancy; help them to understand why and how your topic is relevant.

Provide them with stories or examples that directly relate to them. Be empathetic by showing them that even if you haven’t had the exact same experiences, you have had similar ones.

You the power of relevancy on your side, you will have a stronger hold on the minds and hearts of your audience.

SUBJECT MASTERY

You should know more about your topic than you have time to talk about. For a one-hour keynote I come prepared with three hours of information on my topic. For a half-day seminar I show up with 1½ days worth of material. I want people to know that what they just received from me was the tip of the iceberg.

Also, if you happen to loose your train of thought or completely forget something, it’s easier to recover when you have a ton of information in your arsenal.

The best speakers seldom worry about perfection because they spend more time working on credibility and expertise—the fruits of subject mastery.

The Million-Dollar Question: Which do you think an audience would prefer: a clueless speaker that delivers a perfect speech or an expert speaker that delivers a good speech?

EYE CONTACT

Research shows that around 70% eye contact is optimal during a typical conversation in the U.S. In public speaking that percentage needs to be raised to 95%-100% because the audience is focused on you.

Of course, gawking at people is a no-no. Your goal is to make meaningful eye contact (translation: more than a split-second glance) with as many members of your audience as possible. It’s best to look at an audience member, complete your thought then move on to someone else.

Two final things about being good:

First, take a public speaking class or join a Toastmasters club.

Second, DO NOT tell jokes. Tell humorous stories and use witty phrases. I would rather watch grass grow than be subjected to the torture of listening to a boring speaker.

Unless it’s a eulogy or some other serious or somber speech, the audience wants to laugh. Laughter increases blood flow to the brain and keeps your audience from turning into a room full of zombies.

No matter how good you are, you still need to...

Continued in part 2

Related Articles:
Public Speaking Tips Pt. 2
How to Become a Motivational Speaker
Making the Transition from College to Today’s World of Work

10 Powerful Networking Questions

The power of networking is common knowledge nowadays. What’s not so common is knowing how to consistently and effectively do it. Networking is simple, but far from easy.

Whenever I’m speaking to a group about networking at least one person asks, “But what do you say (or talk about) when you first meet someone?” And someone else will inevitably ask, “What do you say (or do) when there’s a lull in the conversation?”

My response to both questions is the same. First decide if the person is really in the mood to talk to you. If you feel like someone doesn’t really want to talk to you, it’s no big deal. Move on to someone else.

If the person seems willing to engage in conversation then remember this. It’s one of the supreme laws of networking.

Make fewer statements; ask more questions.

The timeless advice offered by Dale Carnegie in How to Win Friends & Influence People is that you “allow the other person to do a great deal of the talking.”

The easiest way to keep the other person talking and loving you the entire time is to ask the right kind of open-ended questions.

Why?

Because open-ended questions require more than a yes or no response and show that you are interested in the other person. These types of questions help to build and maintain rapport.

Here are 10 powerful networking questions – listed in no particular order – to keep awkward silence and fruitless small talk at bay. The insightful answers to these questions keep conversations moving once you get past “Where are you from?” and “So, what brings you here today?”

1. How did you get involved in…?

People like to tell their story. Give them an opportunity to do so while you listen attentively and they’ll love you.

VARIATIONS:

1a. What made you decide to major in…?

1b. What made you decide to attend (name of school)?

1c. What made you decide to go into the ___business?

1d. How did you get your start in the ___ business?

2. What advice would you give me if I wanted to be successful in your line of work (or major)?

This is a great follow up question to #1. It shows your humility and allows for mentoring.

VARIATION:

What advice would you give someone just starting in this business/profession/major?

3. What do you love/enjoy most about what you do?

This question keeps happy feelings in the air.

And just in case you’re wondering whether or not it’s a good idea to ask what a person likes the least about what he or she does, the answer is no, unless you’re in the same line of work or major.

In which case, the answer will help you to find a common enemy IF you dislike the same things. If not, then disagreement ensues. My advice is to keep it positive whenever possible.

VARITATAION:

What do you love/enjoy most about your business/profession/major?

4. What separates you from the competition?

This question gives a person permission to tout his unique abilities. Be sure to ask this question in a polite and inquisitive tone of voice so that it doesn’t sound like you’re challenging the person.

VARIATIONS:

4a. What separates your business/company/organization from the competition?

4b. What separates your school from other schools like it?

5. What one thing would you do if you knew that you could not fail?

A truly thought provoking and inspiring question to ask. (You should ask yourself this question.) It helps and encourages a person to dream and when she revisits the dream there’s a chance that you’ll come to mind often. That’s powerful.

VARIARTIONS:

5a. What one thing would you do with your business if you knew that you could not fail?

5b.What one thing would you do if you knew you were guaranteed to succeed?

6. What was the strangest or funniest incident you’ve experienced in your business?

People love to share war stories, but seldom get a chance to finish them because others interrupt with their own stories.

When you ask this question resist the temptation to interject your own horror tale. Remember – “let the other person do a great deal of the talking.”

VARIATIONS:

6a. What was the strangest or funniest incident you’ve experienced at your school?

6b. What was the strangest or funniest incident you’ve experienced in your organization? (e.g. Sorority or fraternity)

7. What significant changes have you seen take place in your profession/area of expertise through the years?

Great question for cross-generational networking because it allows a person to reminisce about the good old days. The following variations are good for upper classmen and graduate students.

VARIATIONS:

7a. What significant changes have you seen take place at your school since you’ve been here?

7b. What significant changes have you seen take place in your major since you chose it?

8. What do you see as the coming trends in your profession/area of expertise?

This is a great follow up question to #7. This shows a person that his opinions matter to you.

VARIATIONS:

8a. How do think your school will be different in the future?

8b. What do you see as the coming trends in your major?

8c. What do you think will change about your major in the future?

9. So, (person’s name), if someone were to describe you in one sentence what would she say?

Another very thought provoking question. Normally it is best used later in the conversation. You're not interviewing someone; you're networking.

VARIATIONS:

9a. If some were to describe your business/company/school in one sentence what would he say?

9b. What ways have you found to be the most effective for promoting your business/organization/product?

10. It’s the end of a great week and you have some free time on your hands – what would you do?

This question will take someone to a happy place and help you to know her outside of professional or academic life.

VARIATION:

What do you like to do in your spare time?

BONUS:

The Million-Dollar Question:

What would make someone the ideal employee for your company or organization?

The information you glean from this answer is priceless. It will allow you to give a person exactly what he or she wants. It will also help you to position yourself as a great asset to the person and his company.

VARIATIONS:

a. How would you describe the ideal client/customer/prospect/employee for your company/organization?

b. What would make someone a perfect fit for your profession/major/school/company/organization?

There is no need to memorize all 11 of these questions. Just start off with the 3 or 4 you like the most. Master them and then give the others a test run.

Keep in mind that no question in the world will help you be a better networker if you are not truly interested in the other person.

So, be interested, ask questions, and let the other person do the talking.

Related Articles:

Network Your Way Into a Job

The Basics of Networking

Networking Really Works

Women Find Nontraditional Ways to Network for Advancement

Nine Words Women Use

I would love to be able to take credit for this witty little piece, but I can’t. Someone forwarded it to me so I'm not sure who the original author is. Enjoy!

1. Fine: This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes: If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing: This is the calm before the storm. This means something and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end with fine.

4. Go Ahead: This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It!

5. Loud Sigh: This is actually not a word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That's Okay: This is one of the most dangerous statements a woman can make to a man. That's okay means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks: A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8. Whatever: Is a women's way of saying !@#$ YOU!

9. Don't worry about it, I got it: Another dangerous statement, meaning this is something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking: ‘What’s wrong?' For the woman's response refer to #3.

Bonus from Al “The Inspiration” Duncan:

10. I shouldn’t have to tell you: When you hear this you have seriously screwed up something important to her. For the woman’s response refer to #6.

Men -- be warned and avoid the arguments. Women -- laugh 'cause y'all know it's true!